Approximately a year after our last in vitro procedure, it was suggested that I undergo a few more genetic tests to determine if the genetic code in my sperm had some form of deficiency. After several subsequent medical exams, which found no evidence of abnormality, we decided that we didn’t immediately have enough money remaining to attempt in vitro again and we didn’t want to lose valuable time in trying to start our family. Let me say, this was not an easy decision on my part. As you will recall, I was devastated when I was originally told I would not be able to produce children by my urologist. After coming to terms with that difficult fact, we were shocked and overjoyed to learn the diagnosis was incorrect. So, after feeling like we had been triumphant in the hard won battle to still have our own children, my ego had to be put in its place and take a back seat to our bigger dreams of starting our family as soon as possible. While I have no regrets about the decision, I did grieve the loss of the opportunity to realize my part in creating new life, at least in the immediate. We felt we would be able to revisit in vitro at a later point in life, using my DNA, and still begin our family now. So, we decided to move forward with donor insemination, as a cheaper option, even though there were no additional complications noted with my sperm. We just wanted to have a child and felt a donor would give us our best chance for success and the cost was several thousand dollars cheaper. We ultimately took the remaining $10,000 available in our home’s equity to finance the inseminations.
At this point we were weary of the back and forth travel to Jacksonville for transfers and blood work. We had also had to start the very difficult task of telling white lies to our friends and family to cover up our actions, as it was too painful to continue to share our heartbreaks over and over and we wanted to regain the element of surprise when we were finally triumphant. Though we were still tentative, we allowed ourselves to become somewhat optimistic about our chances of finally getting pregnant since we were using donor sperm and my wife was healthy.
We had our first trial and learned all too soon that we were not successful. We were upset, but managed to comfort ourselves by noting that at least this was a more natural process and the embryo just didn’t develop…not quite as difficult as losing preformed embryos that were already life at its earliest stages.
On our second trip to Jacksonville for a donor insemination, we awoke to a serious scare that we would not be able to make our appointment on time because our car would not start. We managed to get a ride to the clinic and made our appointment in time. The car needed a new battery. Unfortunately for us, for the fifth time, we discovered we had failed to achieve our goal of a pregnancy.
Our final trip to Jacksonville for donor insemination was no less traumatic. Our appointment was mid-morning, and by now we had mastered the art of taking as little time away from our jobs and people that might question our absence as possible, and so we left before dawn to make the trip to Jacksonville. About forty-five minutes into our trip, a deer jumped out of the dark shadows and we hit it dead on. The deer, amazingly, leapt way while we were left traumatized and bewildered. We managed to drive the heavily damaged car back home and switch over to our backup vehicle and still made it to our appointment on time. However, we felt it was a very ominous start to the process and our fears were confirmed as we were again given the difficult news. Once again, we were left with big questions and few answers. We again took a substantial break before allowing ourselves to even consider moving forward in any manner. Though we were keenly aware that any time away from the process was extremely valuable time lost, the pain was just too great to continue to revisit defeat in such close succession.
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