Break The Isolation

As I have previously stated, the fertility process can be so isolating due to the highly personal and emotional nature of the condition. It immediately becomes more apparent that everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and you can easily feel left behind. Most people also don’t want to discuss their medical history, regarding reproductivity, with everyone over coffee. The pain of the loss and the inability to reach a goal that seems innately promised draws you back into yourself and you begin to wear a mask that the world will find acceptable.

I think one of our biggest mistakes, early on in the process, was to shut out the people we loved and needed for support. We thought we were doing it for self preservation, not having to relive the pain of the process over and over with constant questions and good meaning inquiries, and we also wanted to maintain some element of surprise like most couples. We never expected the process to take six years or more and told ourselves, we could handle the wait of the burden and it would all be worth it in the end when we were finally able to reveal our pregnancy to the world.

Well, in the last few days, I have broken the ice, so to speak, in a couple of big ways. On Father’s Day, one of the roughest days of the year for me, I had an open and tearful discussion with my family about our fertility process. Michelle and I had discussed this prior to me having this conversation. It was time to let everyone know that we no longer wanted to act as if our struggle did not exist. Our presence had been missed at several key family functions over the years, for which we gave thin excuses, and out of respect for our wishes, no one asked. Well, after six years of little white lies and excuses, it started to get harder to not feel like our pain was being acknowledged by those closest to us. Now, don’t get me wrong, we still don’t want to give everyone a daily play by play, but the occasional, non-probing inquiry on how we are handling things on an emotional level and the tactile reminder that a hug or a simple “We are thinking of you” can provide are the best way to know that our lives have not stopped in time while the rest of the world continues to live.

The second big decision was to go public with this blog with my friends and family on Facebook. My original purpose for this blog was to put a face on the male perspective of this process in the hopes that it will reach other couples that are facing the same issues and questions and that it may promote dialogue between others that can be a source of knowledge and education about our all too common condition. I was a little apprehensive about being this public about something so personal, but I felt like the possibility of being a source of comfort for someone else overrode my own personal vanity. And I have to say I have been very moved by the response I have received. One person, in particular, moved me beyond words. Debra, the sincere generosity of your soul touched me immeasurably!! Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I realize we just reconnected in the last few days, after not seeing each other since college, but I know we will have a long friendship ahead. I always appreciated your friendship in high school, and now, I will always cherish the fact that our paths have crossed. If you weren’t already married, I would say that B. M. would be crazy not to take you as his “Rock of Love” ;)

Patience Is A Virtue...I Don't Have

It seems like most things we really want in life ask us to hurry up and wait! This is especially true when you are working your way through the fertility process. Wait at least six months when first trying to get pregnant, wait for test results on the causes for infertility, wait until you have enough money, wait until your cycle comes into line with our schedule, wait to try again until the emotional trauma of the last failed attempt is distant enough to try again, wait, wait, wait!!!!!

As you can tell, I am not good at this waiting game. Especially, when time plays such an important part in this process. Michelle and I are currently waiting with bated breath to know if we have been awarded a grant that we applied for back in March of this year. The grant is the original reason I started this blog and our submission letter was broken up to create my first several blogs. The grant could possibly make a difference in whether we are able to have another round of In Vitro this year or have to further put it off to sometime next year. Originally, the notifications were supposed to go out in May but they sent out word in late April that, due to overwhelming response, the notifications would be delayed until the beginning of June. Well, I don’t know about their math skills, but, considering we have less than two full weeks left in the month of June, I would say they are a little late. The suspense is maddening!!

On a positive note, I received great news yesterday! One of the biggest trials for me, personally, through this whole process has been the back and forth emotional turmoil caused by not knowing if I would have sperm to fertilize Michelle’s eggs. As you may recall, my early visits to the urologist were very disappointing and I was told I would never be able to father children of my own…only to have that idea reversed by our fertility doctor, who was a little more qualified to answer that question. I was able to fertilize the first round of In Vitro, however, after those first group of embryos were exhausted, we simply didn’t feel we could afford In Vitro again and my sperm counts weren’t high enough for insemination so we resolved ourselves to using a sperm donor for the next few inseminations. Once we made the decision to switch clinics and In Vitro became more affordable, we were again hit with a devastating realization that some form of internal blockage had formed that was not allowing any sperm to be excreted. We were told that there were a few procedures available to directly extract the sperm from my testicle, but we were told it could be pricey and our insurance basically covers nothing fertility related. So, we ended up using a donor sample again for our last failed attempt at In Vitro. Well yesterday, after meeting with my new urologist, for whom I have a lot of respect, I was told that our insurance would cover 100% of the sperm extraction procedure!!! So, when we do decide to move forward with our next round, at least we can finally rest assured that we once again will have the opportunity to have a child that carries both of our genes. Now, back to that grant?!?!?!

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It is normally a day of celebration for our mothers, as Michelle and I are very close to our parents. Since we began this infertility ride, holidays in general, but especially Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have become difficult to endure. It isn’t that we have any less respect or love for our own parents…it is simply the largest in your face reminder that we have not reached a resolution to our situation. Our family is still incomplete. And this particular Mother’s Day was even more emotional due to several extraordinary factors.

The desire to have a family of your own is all encompassing and takes over in every aspect of your life. You get good at masking the pain so that you can function in society and not turn into a walking basket case. But, in innumerable ways throughout the day, every day, you are reminded by something someone says or the passing of a parent with their child on the street or even accidently entering into a department store the wrong way and finding yourself in the children’s clothing section. Some days, it is easier to mask the emotion than others, and as I am slowly discovering, you can also learn to mask your emotions too well, enough to even fool yourself at times.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are always difficult for us, much in the same way that birthdays become because they act as markers of time that is ticking away. And, as the holidays pass, you tell yourself that this time next year will be different. Next year I will finally be able to rejoin society and celebrate this wonderful occasion. And when that next year comes around and you still have not become a parent, it is devastating all over again.

Yesterday was further complicated for Michelle and I for many reasons. The first reason is that Michelle’s parents moved seventeen hours away, to Texas, last year. With the price of gasoline, airline tickets, and the cost to travel in general so high, we are lucky to see her parents twice a year. The most we saw her parents last year was for a week at Christmas. Since that time, Michelle has flown out once, in March, to see her family for her birthday for four days. We have not seen them since. The distance is difficult for Michelle to reconcile because she loves her parents and it is hard not to see them more often. Yesterday, that distance was really difficult for her at a moment when she could really have used a hug from her mother.

To further complicate the emotional drain of the day; we recently found out that my younger sister is pregnant. This pregnancy was unplanned and my sister was really not in a position to be adequately prepared for this news. Let me preface all of this by saying I am severely torn by my desire to fully support my sister and to share in her gradual acceptance and excitement of her upcoming miracle and the desire to go and crawl into a hole somewhere and never come back out again. I love my sister and she has had her own fears about her ability to get pregnant and I know she has felt her biological clock ticking away as well. I am overjoyed that this dream will come true for her and I know she will be a wonderful mother. I am also excited to finally have my first niece or nephew, on my side of the family, enter the world. At the same time, it is going to be a constant reminder of our failure to have a child of our own, in the most proximal way possible. It will be hard to watch her go through the motions we have longed to go through for the last six years and have friends and family ooh and ahh over her progression while we suffer in silence. And one of the hardest things to reconcile is that it is no fault of her own, and I wish I could be more present in the celebration but the pain is so very sharp. I am sure that she doesn’t fully understand our distance but I hope in time she will know that it was never intentional.

These issues and several other related issues all combined to create a perfect storm for Michelle and me as we were getting ready to go to my aunt’s house for Mother’s Day festivities. I knew that the day would be extra difficult for us but was still unprepared when Michelle came to me and said we may need to take separate cars because she wasn’t sure she could make it through the day. I didn’t want to leave her alone on this day, and really, I didn’t want to face it alone myself. We both broke down into a sobbing mess in our bathroom and determined that the best we could do was to stop by and deliver my Mom’s gift, tell her we loved her, and beg everyone’s understanding that we had to leave.

Instead of either of us spending, what should normally be, a day of love and lifting up of our own Mothers, we ended up going to a local burger place for a quick lunch before starting a process of soul baring discussion about where we are with the fertility process, where we are with interpersonal relationships and where we are in our professional lives. It was an extremely emotional and painful process that involved more than four hours, mostly in the parked car, lots of tears and a new level of openness with one another. Instead of being a day of celebration, it became a day of knocking down walls and the painful process of re-engineering the way we rebuild them to ensure that they are stronger and more functional.

Yesterday became a day to reconnect with each other and to reinforce the fact that we entered into this marriage as a single unit and that we have every intention of maintaining that unit as a solitary force to be reckoned with. We still don’t know the clear path that will lead us to our ultimate goal to complete our family. However, I think we know each other a little better and are going to be stronger for the process. And, as I told Michelle yesterday, I realized that even if we are unsuccessful in adding children to this family by all means available to us, I will always see her as the mother of my children when I look into her eyes. I pray that we will be able to celebrate this holiday with our families again soon without the deep pain that steals the joy from the celebration. Ultimately, I know that we will weather whatever comes our way together and I pray that our mothers know that our hearts were with them in spirit.

A Solid Foundation

Yesterday, my wife, Michelle, and I got up on a Saturday morning at 5 a. m. to drive to Jacksonville. The reason we were up so insanely early on a Saturday? We were headed for a fertility seminar, which we heard about from a good friend. The main reason we were going was because we had heard they were giving away three FREE IVF cycles and you had to be present for the entire seminar to win. While we recognized that our chances of actually winning were probably small, any chance to have such a costly dream offered for free is a chance not to be missed. So, we were out the door by 5:30 and on the road to an all too familiar destination.

We arrived in Jacksonville in time for the early registration and were somewhat relieved to see that there were only a couple hundred people here for this seminar which, of course, meant better chances of wining for us.  The seminar is an annual event, known as the Jacksonville Fertility Awareness Seminar. The itinerary is split between the four doctors, representing the three fertility clinics participating in the seminar. Each doctor talked for ten to fifteen minute intervals about various aspects surrounding the pathologies and treatments used in infertility. This would be followed by three personal stories and a representative from the local chapter of Resolve, a national volunteer organization, set up to provide support and education to those of us experiencing infertility as well as some lobbying activities on our behalf. Finally, the seminar would end with a brief question and answer session with the panel of doctors and the all important drawings.

After finding a table at the front, we walked around to the various booths that had been set up for each clinic. All of the clinics had a lot of valuable information to offer and several had their own drawings for alternate prizes. One clinic even had a second drawing, to be held at a free luncheon after the seminar, for another free IVF treatment. We were concurrently torn by the prospect of giving up our relaxing Saturday morning in exchange for an early 120 mile drive, a day spent engulfed in the very subject that brings us the most pain along with the prospect of doing it all for naught contrasted with the excitement of the possibility of winning a free chance to proceed with our attempts at achieving our dreams.

As veterans of the fertility process, there wasn’t a lot said, during the initial presentations, that was news to us. The thing that I found the most interesting was that, even in this small community of fertility physicians, there is still plenty of dissension of ideas for what paths are the best to take to achieve success with this process. I think it is reflective of the greater community at large, in that fertility assistance is still really in its infancy and, though great strides have been made in such a short time, there is still so much that is really unknown about the process. To put it in perspective, the first successful IVF treatment was reported in Europe in 1978 and the success was not achieved in the US until 1981. The first reported success, with IVF treatment, is less than 35 years old.

After the educational portion was complete, it was time for the personal stories and the Resolve representative to speak. This was the most rewarding and the hardest part of the day. Resolve was up first. The most interesting part of her participation was the fact that she stated she was intending to travel to Washington DC, along with other regional Resolve representatives, to speak to congress about the desire to create a tax credit, similar to those given for parents who adopt, for individuals that incur the high costs of fertility treatments. It is comforting to know that there are people out there that are fighting on our behalf to bring some attention to our plight. The personal stories started of with a man from South Georgia. It was a bit surprising to see a man willing to get up and talk of things that are considered so personal and, for most men, highly embarrassing. I was comforted by the fact that his graphic story about his first experience of providing a semen sample at his small town lab was just as embarrassing and uncomfortable as my own. In fact, it almost seemed like he had been privy to my experience and was quoting me exactly. Although, I also have to say that I was even more relieved to say that the similarity stopped when he was caught, literally pants down, by a local police officer while he was trying to collect his sample, in his car, in what he considered to be a remote area. Luckily, the cop was just as embarrassed as him and he had the paperwork handy to prove his story. The things we will all go through to have a child. He also brought light to the difficulties that the process can bring to a marriage and how easily it can destroy it from within if the communication lines are not fully open and you both are not on the same page with the process.

The last two stories were interesting for the reason that they both highlighted something that most people don’t really get. This idea was not new to me because it was brought up by the woman that headed up our brief infertility group a few months ago. She started the fertility group through our church because she and her husband had struggled with infertility for seven years before having their daughter and she felt compelled to help others. The statement that she made in one of our initial meetings struck me like a lightning bolt. She said “being infertile does not end with a successful pregnancy. Just because you have one child, it doesn’t change the fact that you still suffer from the same conditions that prevent you from getting pregnant, in the normal time frame, without medical assistance.” The first woman spoke of the pain she endured after deciding to have a second child. Her first daughter was born without issue but she suffered four miscarriages over the next several years. And she highlighted the fact that during this intensely painful period, she was constantly challenged by the insensitive questions, of those around her, asking when she intended to give her child a sibling. Infertility has many different causes and may have different onsets for each person. The second woman discussed the fact that after several unsuccessful attempts at carrying a child to term, she and her husband decided to use a gestational carrier to carry their child for them. Again, since the birth of her daughter, she is often asked in casual conversation about the method of her daughter’s birth. Is it really anyone’s business whether your child was born vaginally or through a C-section? This question causes her pain because it is a constant reminder that she was unable to have the “right of passage” of carrying her own child. Yet, ultimately, her end goal of a family had been achieved through alternative methods. These stories were so relevant because they highlight the fact that we all tend to be a little to comfortable in invading each other’s personal experiences surrounding fertility and pregnancy because it is accepted by society and it is assumed that no problems ever existed with the pregnancy process if they were not common knowledge. I think we would all be much happier if these topics were left off of the table unless someone opens the door to share their story of their own volition.

The drawing for the free fertility treatments was quickly dispensed with and we did not win. We decided to attend the luncheon for the clinic that was offering one last drawing for and IVF treatment. We ended up sitting at a table with two women that were also from Tallahassee and struck up a conversation about our common experiences. The company was great and the food was good. We didn’t win this drawing either.

While it was a difficult day and we didn’t win the treatment we were hoping for, you couldn’t really begrudge the winners because, after all, they are basically in the same boat. There were two things that really made the day worth while to me. The first was the simple reminder that our story is not completely unique and that there are success stories all around us. I still have great hope that our time will come. It was great to see so many men in attendance, at the seminar, and to have a man actually get up before a crowd of his peers and share is very personal story with the rest of us. While the process is extremely hard on the male ego, it is important for all of us to look deeper and realize that the emotional toll the process takes on us and our spouses, as well as the physical stress on their bodies, far outweighs the perceived loss of our “manhood”. The second thing that made me proud was when one of the women we sat with at lunch stated that “You guys look like you are approaching this process with a unified front.” I was so proud of Michelle and me as a couple. While we have had our moments of breaking down and lashing out at one another in moments of anger or frustration, we have not allowed the process to become bigger than our commitment to each other. We are unified and I know that we will eventually find our path to parenthood together and when we do; our family foundation will be solid.

Seek Solace In Those Walking A Similar Path

Infertility’s power, as a word, comes from its infectious ability to creep into every aspect of your life. Not only does it affect men’s and women’s views of their own self worth and the widely recognized effects of not being able to have children of your own. As I have learned over the last six years, it filters down into every day to day decision and aspect of your life. Many experience depression from the inability to reproduce. Fertility treatments range in cost but will set you back thousands of dollars at a time. The medications, along with the emotional turmoil of the process, are difficult on the woman’s body and her psyche. If you are like us and not lucky enough to live in a city that has local fertility specialists, you will have to plan vacation time around appointments which can be numerous leading up to an embryo transfer. Many marriages are torn apart from the pressure and all interpersonal relationships are affected. It can also be difficult to attend baby showers, family holidays and gatherings, etc… for fear of losing your composure and bringing your perceived deficiencies into the light.

So the answer is yes, words can and do have power and that power can be overwhelming. Infertility is still, very often, a hushed condition that the affected suffer with in silence. Many will say that adoption is always an option and there are so many needy children in the system. Adoption is definitely an option we are willing to consider, when we feel the time is right for us. We are still working against the proverbial time clock to optimize the few chances we have left to try and achieve what comes naturally to most and, all too often, is taken for granted. If I could leave you with two more pieces of advice, they would be as follows. First of all, for a short time, my wife and I were part of a fertility group at our church that was organized by another couple that had struggled through seven years of infertility before having their first child and they wanted to share their experiences in the hope that it would help those that come behind with some of the messier details. The experience was invaluable and I would highly recommend seeking out a group. If your church does not have a fertility group, be brave and start one on your own. You will be surprised at how many people will come out of the woodwork. If you aren’t comfortable being the protagonist, many fertility clinics have bulletin boards where support groups advertise and, at a minimum, the internet offers innumerable chat rooms with people that are going through the same experiences. The last thing that I would leave you with is that, even though infertility is a very powerful word and its effects are wide-ranging and stifling, there are other words that carry power as well. And today, the one word that holds the most power for me is HOPE!

All Too Familiar...And Still Hope!

After approximately another year, we felt we were prepared to try again. Through a church-related infertility support group, we were introduced to a fertility nurse with a new local fertility clinic. The clinic was a branch of a clinic based out of Pensacola, FL and they had decided to open a branch in Tallahassee to service the needs of its residents. However, the catch was that the actual fertility transfers still had to be performed in Pensacola…so we would not have to travel as often, but would not completely circumvent the need to travel. After several discussions with the new clinic, we felt there was a possibility that my wife had been over stimulated which caused her eggs to be of lower quality than they should have been. We decided to once again try in vitro as the new clinics cost was several thousand dollars less than the Jacksonville clinic. We saved up money from our tax returns that year and obtained a personal loan for the remaining amount and proceeded to have my sperm analyzed again since it had been so long between appointments and we were dealing with a new clinic.

We felt like the additional tests were routine and were just amped to try again at having a child that would genetically be linked to both of us. We were shocked to discover, after numerous tests, that I was no longer producing viable sperm. I was, once again sent to the urologist to determine what had caused the change in my sperm production. It was determined that there must be an internal blockage that had been developed and I was told that we could have the sperm directly extracted from my testicles, but it was estimated that the procedure would cost thousands more than what we had available to us. Once again, a giant wall was being thrown up in front of our dreams, just as we felt we could see the finish line.

We decided to proceed with in vitro, using donor sperm once again, in an effort to not lose precious time. At this point, my wife had entered her thirties and we were losing our window for her best years of fertility at an all too rapid pace. It was extremely painful to let go, for the third time, my chances of having a child that carried my DNA. This was especially true this time, since the primary reason was due to a lack of available funds to facilitate the dream. We decided to soldier on and started the fertility process all over again. When the time came to harvest the eggs, we were extremely disappointed to be told that we only had four eggs and two of them were very low quality. We inseminated them all and lost two immediately. We were already horrified. After coming up with several thousand more dollars to try in vitro again, we might not even get an opportunity to transfer any embryos. The next several days were extremely emotional, to say the least. We were eventually told that we only had one viable embryo. It was so hard to accept that fate. But, we were reminded that it only takes one embryo to become a success…and it was definitely our turn for a break.

We were very excited to know that I would be able to be present for the transfer this time and could actually see the transfer of the embryo on a monitor. It felt like a blessing and that maybe this is what we had been waiting for. Over the next several days, we agonized over every possible symptom for pregnancy…not to mention that it was almost Christmas. Would this be our Christmas miracle? Would we finally achieve the dream that more than six years of trials, more than $45,000 in debt and more heartbreak than any one couple should have to endure could not give us? The answer was a shattering no.

It is now 2011 and our spirits have been heavily dampened and our wallets heavily lightened. Still, we are both committed to the dream of achieving the greatest gift on earth…the gift of a family. Throughout our journey, we have only had one attempt at attaining our dream in completion, the dream to have a child that maintains a genetic link to both of their parents. The struggle has been long, heart rending and expensive, but we are still left with the greatest of motivators…HOPE!!!

A New Avenue

Approximately a year after our last in vitro procedure, it was suggested that I undergo a few more genetic tests to determine if the genetic code in my sperm had some form of deficiency. After several subsequent medical exams, which found no evidence of abnormality, we decided that we didn’t immediately have enough money remaining to attempt in vitro again and we didn’t want to lose valuable time in trying to start our family. Let me say, this was not an easy decision on my part. As you will recall, I was devastated when I was originally told I would not be able to produce children by my urologist. After coming to terms with that difficult fact, we were shocked and overjoyed to learn the diagnosis was incorrect. So, after feeling like we had been triumphant in the hard won battle to still have our own children, my ego had to be put in its place and take a back seat to our bigger dreams of starting our family as soon as possible. While I have no regrets about the decision, I did grieve the loss of the opportunity to realize my part in creating new life, at least in the immediate. We felt we would be able to revisit in vitro at a later point in life, using my DNA, and still begin our family now.  So, we decided to move forward with donor insemination, as a cheaper option, even though there were no additional complications noted with my sperm. We just wanted to have a child and felt a donor would give us our best chance for success and the cost was several thousand dollars cheaper. We ultimately took the remaining $10,000 available in our home’s equity to finance the inseminations.

At this point we were weary of the back and forth travel to Jacksonville for transfers and blood work. We had also had to start the very difficult task of telling white lies to our friends and family to cover up our actions, as it was too painful to continue to share our heartbreaks over and over and we wanted to regain the element of surprise when we were finally triumphant. Though we were still tentative, we allowed ourselves to become somewhat optimistic about our chances of finally getting pregnant since we were using donor sperm and my wife was healthy.

We had our first trial and learned all too soon that we were not successful. We were upset, but managed to comfort ourselves by noting that at least this was a more natural process and the embryo just didn’t develop…not quite as difficult as losing preformed embryos that were already life at its earliest stages.

On our second trip to Jacksonville for a donor insemination, we awoke to a serious scare that we would not be able to make our appointment on time because our car would not start. We managed to get a ride to the clinic and made our appointment in time. The car needed a new battery. Unfortunately for us, for the fifth time, we discovered we had failed to achieve our goal of a pregnancy.

Our final trip to Jacksonville for donor insemination was no less traumatic. Our appointment was mid-morning, and by now we had mastered the art of taking as little time away from our jobs and people that might question our absence as possible, and so we left before dawn to make the trip to Jacksonville. About forty-five minutes into our trip, a deer jumped out of the dark shadows and we hit it dead on. The deer, amazingly, leapt way while we were left traumatized and bewildered. We managed to drive the heavily damaged car back home and switch over to our backup vehicle and still made it to our appointment on time. However, we felt it was a very ominous start to the process and our fears were confirmed as we were again given the difficult news. Once again, we were left with big questions and few answers. We again took a substantial break before allowing ourselves to even consider moving forward in any manner. Though we were keenly aware that any time away from the process was extremely valuable time lost, the pain was just too great to continue to revisit defeat in such close succession.