Seek Solace In Those Walking A Similar Path

Infertility’s power, as a word, comes from its infectious ability to creep into every aspect of your life. Not only does it affect men’s and women’s views of their own self worth and the widely recognized effects of not being able to have children of your own. As I have learned over the last six years, it filters down into every day to day decision and aspect of your life. Many experience depression from the inability to reproduce. Fertility treatments range in cost but will set you back thousands of dollars at a time. The medications, along with the emotional turmoil of the process, are difficult on the woman’s body and her psyche. If you are like us and not lucky enough to live in a city that has local fertility specialists, you will have to plan vacation time around appointments which can be numerous leading up to an embryo transfer. Many marriages are torn apart from the pressure and all interpersonal relationships are affected. It can also be difficult to attend baby showers, family holidays and gatherings, etc… for fear of losing your composure and bringing your perceived deficiencies into the light.

So the answer is yes, words can and do have power and that power can be overwhelming. Infertility is still, very often, a hushed condition that the affected suffer with in silence. Many will say that adoption is always an option and there are so many needy children in the system. Adoption is definitely an option we are willing to consider, when we feel the time is right for us. We are still working against the proverbial time clock to optimize the few chances we have left to try and achieve what comes naturally to most and, all too often, is taken for granted. If I could leave you with two more pieces of advice, they would be as follows. First of all, for a short time, my wife and I were part of a fertility group at our church that was organized by another couple that had struggled through seven years of infertility before having their first child and they wanted to share their experiences in the hope that it would help those that come behind with some of the messier details. The experience was invaluable and I would highly recommend seeking out a group. If your church does not have a fertility group, be brave and start one on your own. You will be surprised at how many people will come out of the woodwork. If you aren’t comfortable being the protagonist, many fertility clinics have bulletin boards where support groups advertise and, at a minimum, the internet offers innumerable chat rooms with people that are going through the same experiences. The last thing that I would leave you with is that, even though infertility is a very powerful word and its effects are wide-ranging and stifling, there are other words that carry power as well. And today, the one word that holds the most power for me is HOPE!

All Too Familiar...And Still Hope!

After approximately another year, we felt we were prepared to try again. Through a church-related infertility support group, we were introduced to a fertility nurse with a new local fertility clinic. The clinic was a branch of a clinic based out of Pensacola, FL and they had decided to open a branch in Tallahassee to service the needs of its residents. However, the catch was that the actual fertility transfers still had to be performed in Pensacola…so we would not have to travel as often, but would not completely circumvent the need to travel. After several discussions with the new clinic, we felt there was a possibility that my wife had been over stimulated which caused her eggs to be of lower quality than they should have been. We decided to once again try in vitro as the new clinics cost was several thousand dollars less than the Jacksonville clinic. We saved up money from our tax returns that year and obtained a personal loan for the remaining amount and proceeded to have my sperm analyzed again since it had been so long between appointments and we were dealing with a new clinic.

We felt like the additional tests were routine and were just amped to try again at having a child that would genetically be linked to both of us. We were shocked to discover, after numerous tests, that I was no longer producing viable sperm. I was, once again sent to the urologist to determine what had caused the change in my sperm production. It was determined that there must be an internal blockage that had been developed and I was told that we could have the sperm directly extracted from my testicles, but it was estimated that the procedure would cost thousands more than what we had available to us. Once again, a giant wall was being thrown up in front of our dreams, just as we felt we could see the finish line.

We decided to proceed with in vitro, using donor sperm once again, in an effort to not lose precious time. At this point, my wife had entered her thirties and we were losing our window for her best years of fertility at an all too rapid pace. It was extremely painful to let go, for the third time, my chances of having a child that carried my DNA. This was especially true this time, since the primary reason was due to a lack of available funds to facilitate the dream. We decided to soldier on and started the fertility process all over again. When the time came to harvest the eggs, we were extremely disappointed to be told that we only had four eggs and two of them were very low quality. We inseminated them all and lost two immediately. We were already horrified. After coming up with several thousand more dollars to try in vitro again, we might not even get an opportunity to transfer any embryos. The next several days were extremely emotional, to say the least. We were eventually told that we only had one viable embryo. It was so hard to accept that fate. But, we were reminded that it only takes one embryo to become a success…and it was definitely our turn for a break.

We were very excited to know that I would be able to be present for the transfer this time and could actually see the transfer of the embryo on a monitor. It felt like a blessing and that maybe this is what we had been waiting for. Over the next several days, we agonized over every possible symptom for pregnancy…not to mention that it was almost Christmas. Would this be our Christmas miracle? Would we finally achieve the dream that more than six years of trials, more than $45,000 in debt and more heartbreak than any one couple should have to endure could not give us? The answer was a shattering no.

It is now 2011 and our spirits have been heavily dampened and our wallets heavily lightened. Still, we are both committed to the dream of achieving the greatest gift on earth…the gift of a family. Throughout our journey, we have only had one attempt at attaining our dream in completion, the dream to have a child that maintains a genetic link to both of their parents. The struggle has been long, heart rending and expensive, but we are still left with the greatest of motivators…HOPE!!!

A New Avenue

Approximately a year after our last in vitro procedure, it was suggested that I undergo a few more genetic tests to determine if the genetic code in my sperm had some form of deficiency. After several subsequent medical exams, which found no evidence of abnormality, we decided that we didn’t immediately have enough money remaining to attempt in vitro again and we didn’t want to lose valuable time in trying to start our family. Let me say, this was not an easy decision on my part. As you will recall, I was devastated when I was originally told I would not be able to produce children by my urologist. After coming to terms with that difficult fact, we were shocked and overjoyed to learn the diagnosis was incorrect. So, after feeling like we had been triumphant in the hard won battle to still have our own children, my ego had to be put in its place and take a back seat to our bigger dreams of starting our family as soon as possible. While I have no regrets about the decision, I did grieve the loss of the opportunity to realize my part in creating new life, at least in the immediate. We felt we would be able to revisit in vitro at a later point in life, using my DNA, and still begin our family now.  So, we decided to move forward with donor insemination, as a cheaper option, even though there were no additional complications noted with my sperm. We just wanted to have a child and felt a donor would give us our best chance for success and the cost was several thousand dollars cheaper. We ultimately took the remaining $10,000 available in our home’s equity to finance the inseminations.

At this point we were weary of the back and forth travel to Jacksonville for transfers and blood work. We had also had to start the very difficult task of telling white lies to our friends and family to cover up our actions, as it was too painful to continue to share our heartbreaks over and over and we wanted to regain the element of surprise when we were finally triumphant. Though we were still tentative, we allowed ourselves to become somewhat optimistic about our chances of finally getting pregnant since we were using donor sperm and my wife was healthy.

We had our first trial and learned all too soon that we were not successful. We were upset, but managed to comfort ourselves by noting that at least this was a more natural process and the embryo just didn’t develop…not quite as difficult as losing preformed embryos that were already life at its earliest stages.

On our second trip to Jacksonville for a donor insemination, we awoke to a serious scare that we would not be able to make our appointment on time because our car would not start. We managed to get a ride to the clinic and made our appointment in time. The car needed a new battery. Unfortunately for us, for the fifth time, we discovered we had failed to achieve our goal of a pregnancy.

Our final trip to Jacksonville for donor insemination was no less traumatic. Our appointment was mid-morning, and by now we had mastered the art of taking as little time away from our jobs and people that might question our absence as possible, and so we left before dawn to make the trip to Jacksonville. About forty-five minutes into our trip, a deer jumped out of the dark shadows and we hit it dead on. The deer, amazingly, leapt way while we were left traumatized and bewildered. We managed to drive the heavily damaged car back home and switch over to our backup vehicle and still made it to our appointment on time. However, we felt it was a very ominous start to the process and our fears were confirmed as we were again given the difficult news. Once again, we were left with big questions and few answers. We again took a substantial break before allowing ourselves to even consider moving forward in any manner. Though we were keenly aware that any time away from the process was extremely valuable time lost, the pain was just too great to continue to revisit defeat in such close succession.

Battle Weary

Unfortunately, we were once again devastated when we received the news that the fetus had not continued to grow and that my wife would have to force her body into having a period to expel the remnants of the fetus. This was the most difficult process of our lives. The grief was immeasurable and all consuming. It was difficult to concentrate on any thing else. We basically became shells of ourselves and went through the paces of our daily routines because it was too hard to open our eyes to the world around us and too painful to sit alone in silence for more than a few seconds at a time. Why did we have to struggle so hard for what comes all too naturally for so many? We decided the pain was too intense to dive back in immediately and so we took a few months to gather our strength and reclaim our hearts.

Several months later, we felt we were ready to try again. After all, we still had fifteen embryos frozen at different stages. We started the process again and they unfroze all four embryos at stage five and only two survived. We transferred the two surviving embryos and again began the anxious wait to hear if we were finally going to be blessed with parenthood. We were again distraught to learn that neither embryo implanted and we would have to try again.

Once we were ready to try again, we unfroze four of the remaining eleven embryos at stage three and waited for them to progress to stage five. We were informed that none of the embryos survived and so we decided to unfreeze the remaining five embryos. Only three progressed to stage five. We made the decision to implant all three since only one of three was considered to be of top quality. We very impatiently awaited the news we were hoping to hear. Once again, our hopes were dashed when we were informed that all three embryos failed to produce a pregnancy. At this point we were at a complete loss of understanding. How could we go from being told we would never have children of our own, to having twenty eight viable embryos and one pregnancy on the first try, to now having nothing but twenty thousand dollars in additional debt? We were speechless and the clinic could not give us a valid reason as to why things didn’t take. Once again, we found ourselves at a crossroad and decided to take some time to reassess our situation.

We Are On Our Way

Soon after our dreams had been resurrected, by our local meeting with the fertility doctor, we made the two and a half hour trip to Jacksonville to meet with the physicians at the clinic. Things went smoothly and we were encouraged that they felt we were strong candidates for success due to my wife’s age, in the "golden" range of 25-30, her physical health and the fact that I had sperm to provide. We decided that in vitro was going to be the most cost effective choice for us and provide us with the highest rate of success. Our insurance did not cover infertility so everything would have to come out of our own pockets. We had recently purchased our first home and had approximately $30,000 in equity. We decided to take out a home equity loan to cover the approximately $19,000 dollars to cover the costs associated with the fertility treatments and medications.

We started fertility treatments and follow-up appointments to and from Jacksonville and were ultimately surprised to discover that the doctor’s were able to retrieve 28 viable eggs and enough sperm to seed them all. We felt we were being blessed with amazing chances after such a difficult journey to get to this point. We could actually see our entire family forming from this one round of fertility treatments. They fertilized all twenty eight eggs and waited for them to reach the next stage. Right away our chances were reduced and we were left with nineteen viable embryos. We agreed to freeze eleven and decided to allow eight to progress to the next stage. Six successfully reached the next stage and we decide to freeze four and implant two.

After our first embryo transfer, the wait to find out if we were pregnant was overwhelming. When the day finally came, my wife tested positive for a pregnancy but we were told that her hormone levels were very low and they wanted her to take estrogen patches for the next few days to try to boost her hormone levels. We were cautiously optimistic…we were finally within reach of our first child and all of our wildest dreams coming true!

Life's "Little" Obstacles

Before we could actually begin the process of In Vitro Fertilization, We had a few more obstacles to overcome. The first obstacle the doctors wanted me to tackle was to attempt to raise my sperm count by taking testosterone injections for a month. They taught my wife how to give me the injections at home, at the same time they taught me how to give her future injections…since she would be getting the lion’s share, and we both joked that it would be an easy way to relieve stress on one another; Ouch! So, I dutifully endured the daily sting, first thing each morning, and we prayed for a positive effect.

Of course, in order to test the effectiveness of the testosterone injections…you guessed it. I had to return to my favorite sitcom feeling world of the HMO lab to deliver another collection sample. And trust me when I say, they never let me down. I never left without feeling some form of degradation, inferiority or shame.

We finally got the results back and they showed a very mild improvement in my count and so they had me switch to a pill taken by mouth and told me to continue to take it until the day of egg collection to give me the best possible sperm count for fertilization purposes. We were all set to go until…

Another obstacle was thrown into the mix when we discovered that one of my wife’s tubes was being pulled down to her bowel by adhesions caused by endometriosis. We had to take one of many detours to clear the adhesions before we could proceed with the fertility process. The fix was a relatively simple out-patient procedure and may seem somewhat insignificant to the casual bystander. However, fertility does not wait for these minor interruptions and they sometimes set you back months at a time. This is due to ovulation schedules, openings with the fertility clinic’s schedule, additional costs and the build up of vacation time. Eventually, the adhesions were successfully cleared and we were given the green light to proceed with our fertility plan.

The Dream Is Not Easily Defeated

Within a few weeks, after our devastating appointment with the urologist, we began to discuss our options. We decided that if my wife was healthy, there was no reason that we shouldn’t proceed with the option of donor insemination so that we could still experience her pregnancy together and witness the birth of our children. Thankfully, my wife’s gynecologist had given us the name of a traveling fertility doctor, based two and a half hours away, who had recently started making local calls for initial consultations. We did our research on donor insemination and had a legal notepad full of questions for the doctor when we finally made it for our consultation.

We met with the fertility doctor and had done our homework on the cost and effectiveness of donor insemination. My wife had her notepad full of the questions we were ready to ask to get the ball rolling. We figured if she could still have the experience of getting pregnant and giving birth; we would be satisfied with still having the pregnancy experience and our child having half of our genetic code. We only got to ask the first question about donor insemination before the doctor stopped us and said “Why are you looking at donor insemination rather than invitro fertilization”? We, of course, told him that I had been given last rites on my ability to produce children and were looking for other options. He stopped us cold and said “That is inaccurate; you are a prime candidate for invitro. Your sperm count is very low but not non-existent and it only takes one sperm and one egg to create an embryo”. He also explained that many lab technicians neglect to count perfectly viable sperm, because they do not move with the “normal” motion…even though the DNA is perfectly in tact and capable of creating a healthy pregnancy with the aid of direct embryo insemination. He set us up to have my wife tested for any tubal blockages and we set an appointment for our first visit to his clinic in Jacksonville, FL. Again, we managed to make it to the car before completely breaking down from the shock of suddenly having our greatest dream literally resurrected. We were battle weary and elated at the same time. We looked at each other and said “Here we go…”.  What we didn’t know was that the roller coaster had only just begun.

The Embarassment Of Defeat

After several months of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant, we decided to seek advice from my wife’s gynecologist. On her recommendation, we started our investigative journey with a simple sperm analysis because male factor infertility is usually easier to diagnose, and is, in most cases, easier to treat. Let me preface this situation by saying that I am probably in the minority of men that have always known that I wanted to have children. Being a father and having a great family life has always been my first priority and strongest ambition.

Our experience with the local urology clinic was tedious, embarrassing, arduous and ultimately heartbreaking.  I had to repeat the sperm analysis several times because my counts were so low that they needed confirmation that it was not just a fluke. This process, in and of itself, is highly embarrassing. I had to perform each test at the local HMO lab and they do not have a private room specifically set aside for your collection process. And, unfortunately, we live about forty miles from the nearest lab. Since the results of a sperm analysis are very time sensitive, I had to “collect” in the public bathroom, at the clinic. Do you think there were any nerves present for this process? I am not particularly germ phobic either, but a public bathroom stall is not the first place that comes to mind when I want a place to relax and de-stress for this kind of process.

Believe it or not, it only gets worse from here. At every appointment, I felt like I was in some low budget 80’s teen movie where the funniest gag is to embarrass the hell out of the poor schlub that is trying his best to be discreet about the contents of his little brown paper bag. Inevitably, some form of embarrassment ensued, thanks to the ever-changing person on the other side of the check-in counter. Yes, “hello, waiting room full of people, I am here with my cup of semen that, you sir, know I was just collecting in the bathroom around the corner”. What a nightmare! After several sperm analyses were performed, we were abruptly informed that my sperm count was on the lowest end of low and that we would never be able to produce a pregnancy naturally. So, when my urologist flippantly handed me my diagnosis, I was devastated on so many levels and completely unprepared for him to launch into his speech about considering adoption. I hadn’t even had the chance to process all of the areas of my life where the new adjective, I had just been so unceremoniously given, would cause cracks to form. So, my wife and I managed to make it to the car and then broke down into tears. We had to reconcile ourselves to the fact that we would never see our reflections in the eyes of our children and I felt like I had failed the most important person in my life and was suddenly asking her to forfeit something that was also her deepest desire because I would not be able to provide it.

You see, what I was unprepared for that day in the urologist’s office was the true weight of what was about to be handed to me. The undeniable power of that one single word, infertility, the weight was immediately crushing and we continue to sink further and further into the ground as we fight to hold up the weight of the burden that was so easily tossed at me that day. At times I think it must be obvious to those around me that I have been diagnosed infertile. Like the character of Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic, The Scarlett Letter, I feel like it is a visible badge that brings feelings of failure, shame, emasculation, pain and fear.

Words Have Power

We are often told that “Words have power”. What does that mean exactly? Can you generate electricity from a word? Can a word cause nations to fall? Can a word be a crushing force? While the obvious answer to all of these questions, for those of us that have lived through any form of internal turmoil, is yes, most would still look at it as figurative speech. However, I have discovered that words do indeed carry significant power, through my own personal journey with infertility.

The single word, infertility, can be a crushing force and carries so much weight that it is almost unbearable. Those who have never experienced the struggle to have a child will never truly understand how this single word could have such far reaching and all encompassing effect on those that have been assigned the moniker. For those of us that have received the unwanted badge, it can be devastating in so many ways.

It is generally understood that, as human beings, we are born, we grow up, we may or may not attend college, but at some point we will find a career path and settle in to our adult lives. It is also a given that most of us want to be loved and to find someone that can share life’s triumphs and troughs. And, it is still true today, once you have found the yin to your yang, you will inevitably begin to receive inquiries of the most personal nature. “When are you going to expand the family?” or “Don’t you want kids”? The answer for most of us is “Of course we want children”. We want to carry on the family legacy, we want to feel like we are a part of the mainstream, and we want to stroke our own egos a little bit by proving that we can make better parenting decisions than our predecessors. However, when that heaviest of words enters into our world, every thing suddenly begins to crack.

In some ways, being diagnosed as infertile is a struggle in and of itself. From the outside, it could almost be comical. Once you realize there may be a problem, you would think it would be a simple walk-in visit to your physician’s office and they would say, based on your symptom of not getting pregnant in the desired time frame, “you are infertile”. Unfortunately, there are many different levels of infertility and, as they say, it does take two to tango. The issues you face in getting pregnant may be due to male factor issues, female factor issues or a combination of the two. The severity can also be affected by numerous other complicating factors which include things like weight, lifestyle, medications, pre-existing medical conditions and, surprise of all surprises, even fertility treatments themselves can cause additional complications in your journey to get pregnant. So, in an odd dance that you never wanted to join, you almost have to fight your way to the finish line to receive the diagnosis of being infertile. In that way, much like the relief of finally having a name applied to a mysterious illness, it can almost seem like a reward to finally receive the diagnosis you knew in your heart to be true all along.

In my experience, when the diagnosis was finally spoken out loud, the experience was so quick and matter of fact that I was left at a loss for how I should, in fact, feel. The best way I can think to describe it, and why I say it can almost seem comical, is reminiscent of old episodes of the three stooges or various comedy skits we have all seen over the years. A strong man is lifting weights, as if they are feather light, and a poor “Moe” comes along to impress a girl and asks for the chance to prove his might. Inevitably, the weight is handed off and the weaker man crumbles under the unexpected weight he has suddenly been given. The term, Infertile, is so easily handed off from the doctor to the unsuspecting patient, who is completely unprepared for the actual heft that the term brings with it. If I can impart any advice to those that suspect they may be suffering some form of infertility, immediately seek guidance from a doctor that specializes in fertility. Take it from me, not all doctors know what they are talking about but that won’t stop them from being direct and imparting their own recommendations which can needlessly lead you down a long and winding road that may be inaccurate and can cause unnecessary heartache.

Welcome! Let Me Introduce Myself

I am a 36 year old Florida native. I currently live about 50 miles from where I was born and grew up. I have a relatively large family that has always been very close and, since 2004, have been happily married to the love of my life and my best friend. I am all of these things, but by the grace of God, I will also eventually be a father. Marrying my best friend and having a family has always been my ultimate dream. However, the dream has proven to be somewhat elusive to complete. So many men and women suffer with infertility silently and I think we, men especially, struggle with the stigmas associated with perceived hits to our masculinity.  My wife and I have been struggling to manuever through the complicated landscape of infertility for the last six years. I intend to openly and honestly chronicle my personal journey from start to finish. Though, emotions are somtimes raw and deeply personal, I hope my words are able to bring some light to other couples that feel like they are navigating this process alone and in the dark. This blog is meant to document my journey, on the road less traveled, as a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, a man and Eventually, Dad!!!