Break The Isolation

As I have previously stated, the fertility process can be so isolating due to the highly personal and emotional nature of the condition. It immediately becomes more apparent that everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and you can easily feel left behind. Most people also don’t want to discuss their medical history, regarding reproductivity, with everyone over coffee. The pain of the loss and the inability to reach a goal that seems innately promised draws you back into yourself and you begin to wear a mask that the world will find acceptable.

I think one of our biggest mistakes, early on in the process, was to shut out the people we loved and needed for support. We thought we were doing it for self preservation, not having to relive the pain of the process over and over with constant questions and good meaning inquiries, and we also wanted to maintain some element of surprise like most couples. We never expected the process to take six years or more and told ourselves, we could handle the wait of the burden and it would all be worth it in the end when we were finally able to reveal our pregnancy to the world.

Well, in the last few days, I have broken the ice, so to speak, in a couple of big ways. On Father’s Day, one of the roughest days of the year for me, I had an open and tearful discussion with my family about our fertility process. Michelle and I had discussed this prior to me having this conversation. It was time to let everyone know that we no longer wanted to act as if our struggle did not exist. Our presence had been missed at several key family functions over the years, for which we gave thin excuses, and out of respect for our wishes, no one asked. Well, after six years of little white lies and excuses, it started to get harder to not feel like our pain was being acknowledged by those closest to us. Now, don’t get me wrong, we still don’t want to give everyone a daily play by play, but the occasional, non-probing inquiry on how we are handling things on an emotional level and the tactile reminder that a hug or a simple “We are thinking of you” can provide are the best way to know that our lives have not stopped in time while the rest of the world continues to live.

The second big decision was to go public with this blog with my friends and family on Facebook. My original purpose for this blog was to put a face on the male perspective of this process in the hopes that it will reach other couples that are facing the same issues and questions and that it may promote dialogue between others that can be a source of knowledge and education about our all too common condition. I was a little apprehensive about being this public about something so personal, but I felt like the possibility of being a source of comfort for someone else overrode my own personal vanity. And I have to say I have been very moved by the response I have received. One person, in particular, moved me beyond words. Debra, the sincere generosity of your soul touched me immeasurably!! Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I realize we just reconnected in the last few days, after not seeing each other since college, but I know we will have a long friendship ahead. I always appreciated your friendship in high school, and now, I will always cherish the fact that our paths have crossed. If you weren’t already married, I would say that B. M. would be crazy not to take you as his “Rock of Love” ;)

Patience Is A Virtue...I Don't Have

It seems like most things we really want in life ask us to hurry up and wait! This is especially true when you are working your way through the fertility process. Wait at least six months when first trying to get pregnant, wait for test results on the causes for infertility, wait until you have enough money, wait until your cycle comes into line with our schedule, wait to try again until the emotional trauma of the last failed attempt is distant enough to try again, wait, wait, wait!!!!!

As you can tell, I am not good at this waiting game. Especially, when time plays such an important part in this process. Michelle and I are currently waiting with bated breath to know if we have been awarded a grant that we applied for back in March of this year. The grant is the original reason I started this blog and our submission letter was broken up to create my first several blogs. The grant could possibly make a difference in whether we are able to have another round of In Vitro this year or have to further put it off to sometime next year. Originally, the notifications were supposed to go out in May but they sent out word in late April that, due to overwhelming response, the notifications would be delayed until the beginning of June. Well, I don’t know about their math skills, but, considering we have less than two full weeks left in the month of June, I would say they are a little late. The suspense is maddening!!

On a positive note, I received great news yesterday! One of the biggest trials for me, personally, through this whole process has been the back and forth emotional turmoil caused by not knowing if I would have sperm to fertilize Michelle’s eggs. As you may recall, my early visits to the urologist were very disappointing and I was told I would never be able to father children of my own…only to have that idea reversed by our fertility doctor, who was a little more qualified to answer that question. I was able to fertilize the first round of In Vitro, however, after those first group of embryos were exhausted, we simply didn’t feel we could afford In Vitro again and my sperm counts weren’t high enough for insemination so we resolved ourselves to using a sperm donor for the next few inseminations. Once we made the decision to switch clinics and In Vitro became more affordable, we were again hit with a devastating realization that some form of internal blockage had formed that was not allowing any sperm to be excreted. We were told that there were a few procedures available to directly extract the sperm from my testicle, but we were told it could be pricey and our insurance basically covers nothing fertility related. So, we ended up using a donor sample again for our last failed attempt at In Vitro. Well yesterday, after meeting with my new urologist, for whom I have a lot of respect, I was told that our insurance would cover 100% of the sperm extraction procedure!!! So, when we do decide to move forward with our next round, at least we can finally rest assured that we once again will have the opportunity to have a child that carries both of our genes. Now, back to that grant?!?!?!