As I have previously stated, the fertility process can be so isolating due to the highly personal and emotional nature of the condition. It immediately becomes more apparent that everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and you can easily feel left behind. Most people also don’t want to discuss their medical history, regarding reproductivity, with everyone over coffee. The pain of the loss and the inability to reach a goal that seems innately promised draws you back into yourself and you begin to wear a mask that the world will find acceptable.
I think one of our biggest mistakes, early on in the process, was to shut out the people we loved and needed for support. We thought we were doing it for self preservation, not having to relive the pain of the process over and over with constant questions and good meaning inquiries, and we also wanted to maintain some element of surprise like most couples. We never expected the process to take six years or more and told ourselves, we could handle the wait of the burden and it would all be worth it in the end when we were finally able to reveal our pregnancy to the world.
Well, in the last few days, I have broken the ice, so to speak, in a couple of big ways. On Father’s Day, one of the roughest days of the year for me, I had an open and tearful discussion with my family about our fertility process. Michelle and I had discussed this prior to me having this conversation. It was time to let everyone know that we no longer wanted to act as if our struggle did not exist. Our presence had been missed at several key family functions over the years, for which we gave thin excuses, and out of respect for our wishes, no one asked. Well, after six years of little white lies and excuses, it started to get harder to not feel like our pain was being acknowledged by those closest to us. Now, don’t get me wrong, we still don’t want to give everyone a daily play by play, but the occasional, non-probing inquiry on how we are handling things on an emotional level and the tactile reminder that a hug or a simple “We are thinking of you” can provide are the best way to know that our lives have not stopped in time while the rest of the world continues to live.
The second big decision was to go public with this blog with my friends and family on Facebook. My original purpose for this blog was to put a face on the male perspective of this process in the hopes that it will reach other couples that are facing the same issues and questions and that it may promote dialogue between others that can be a source of knowledge and education about our all too common condition. I was a little apprehensive about being this public about something so personal, but I felt like the possibility of being a source of comfort for someone else overrode my own personal vanity. And I have to say I have been very moved by the response I have received. One person, in particular, moved me beyond words. Debra, the sincere generosity of your soul touched me immeasurably!! Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I realize we just reconnected in the last few days, after not seeing each other since college, but I know we will have a long friendship ahead. I always appreciated your friendship in high school, and now, I will always cherish the fact that our paths have crossed. If you weren’t already married, I would say that B. M. would be crazy not to take you as his “Rock of Love” ;)
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